I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
