im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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