my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
