I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
