in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you inspire me to be a worse person
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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