dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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