I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
