after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
