This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
