Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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