Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
