I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
