Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my sisters under your porch take her home
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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