So drunk its hurt
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
