Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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