Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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