Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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