Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
