I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
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we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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