My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
