nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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