Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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