True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
