So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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