just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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