Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
