There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
