Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
