Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
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