he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
