just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
