two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
