I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
