It was confusing and full of hummus
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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