she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
