1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
