why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
