accomplished twins. life is a go
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
