i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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