he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm way too hungover for life right now
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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