I got chris browned last night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
