so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
