This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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