What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
