It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
