you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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