I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
