my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
