I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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