I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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