Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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