Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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