I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
