everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
