Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
