Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
