He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
