I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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