your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
